Well, it's all over. 2013 is in the books, and while it does feel like it was just yesterday when it began, it's time for a nostalgic look back, a fond reminiscence at all the major goings-on the world of wrestling. Get ready. All events below are completely accurate unless I discover otherwise tomorrow.
January
* John Cena wins the 2013 Royal Rumble, last eliminating Ric Flair, who has been in the ring continuously since 1992.
* The Rock ends CM Punk's 434 day WWE title reign with a simple elbow drop in tribute to "the late Sgt Slaughter" who did the same at the 1991 Royal Rumble. Michael Cole begins to correct Rock, but he'd already left to film "Pain and Gain".
* Chris Jericho surprisingly returns to WWE, outworking almost the entire company. Fans across the world prepare for what will surely be an exciting WrestleMania angle for Y2J.
* Fearing that the company is not making enough money, TNA drops its PPV schedule to four major events and 8 unpromoted throwaway monthly taped shows. Vince Russo commented that "They have no idea how to treat Pay-Per-View, bro".
February
* The Shield come off a huge victory over John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback, the three top babyfaces in the company, and are given the nickname "The Hounds Of Justice". Rumours of a Psycho Sid return and megapush dominate the internet.
* Jeff Hardy re-signs with TNA on the promise of a CD deal to be included, then regrets his decision when the CD deal turns out to be 3 for the price of 2 on Dixie Carter's Conway Twitty collection.
* The Rock defends his WWE Title in a rematch with CM Punk, then tells Jerry Lawler "This one is for the King. Rest in peace Jerry, your heart may have given out, but it was the size of New Orleans". Lawler went to remind Rock that he wasn't dead, but Rock was already gone promoting "G.I. Joe: Redemption."
* TNA announces that Impact Wrestling will be leaving Orlando and taping their television show on the road. Their first event was held on the M25 in London, drawing a packed crowd of four hipsters and a Winnebago.
* Jack Swagger embarrasses WWE by getting a DUI and getting busted for marijuana use. Rob Van Dam on his website announced his disgust at Swagger's inability to hold back on the pot use in the middle of his big push, saying the situation was "Heavy".
March
* CM Punk wins the right to face The Undertaker at WrestleMania by defeating Randy Orton, Sheamus and The Big Show in a Four Way game of Ker-Plunk.
* With momentum on his side, Chris Jericho jobs clean to Disco Inferno at WrestleMania.
* Quelling rumours that ego gets in the way of business, Triple H beats Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania in a Deafening Silence Match.
* Hell freezes over, and Bruno Sammartino is announced as the next inductee of the WWE Hall Of Fame, joining the likes of Koko B. Ware, Nikolai Volkoff and Drew Carey, after their initial pick, Al Snow's dog Pepper, didn't answer their phone calls.
* John Cena defeats The Rock to become WWE Champion. In the process, Rock tears his abductor muscle, suffers a hernia, draws over a million pay-per-view buys, stars in three more movies and is elected President of Kenya.
* Scott Hall gets clean. Amazingly, this one isn't made up.
April
* Top TNA brass win one over "those bastard smart marks who claim our show will always do a 1.1", by doing a 0.93 rating for their April 11th show.
* Run ragged across Hollywood, a worn and confused Rock begins promoting Iron Man 3, a film he didn't even appear in, single-handedly causing it to gross over a billion dollars.
* Bob Holly releases his autobiography, which is recalled to the publisher's following angry complaints that Bob just wrote "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?" in large letters on every page.
* Bully Ray wins the TNA Title by turning heel and joining Aces & Eights, multipling the closet homosexual biker demographic, who had not watched TNA since the days of Mortimer Plumtree, tenfold.
May
* TNA reforms the Main Event Mafia. They then break up without participating in a single main event.
* The former Michael McGillicutty earns a new lease on life, resurfacing with a new ring name, Wanalaya Perfectly, as a tribute to his father.
June
* News breaks of a conversation between Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon concerning a wrestler Vince "doesn't see money in", that Shawn does. Rumours that the person is question was Daniel Bryan are quickly shot down by Shawn himself. In what I'm sure is completely unrelated news, Dolph Ziggler loses the World Title back to Alberto Del Rio and finds himself in a feud with Sean Mooney.
* Former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Quinton "Rampage" Jackson debuts in TNA, challenging Kurt Angle to a drag-race.
* Matt Striker was fired from WWE for being too shit for the Pay-Per-View YouTube Pre-Show.
* Ryback takes the Goldberg chants to heart, going the other direction and losing his 174th straight PPV match in a row.
July
* Brooke Hogan ruins the on-screen storyline where she is secretly married to Bully Ray by announcing her real-life engagement to Billy Ray Cyrus.
* WWE opens up its very own Performance Centre, but not before the company pays $300,000 to remove the words "Enhancing Drugs" from the middle of the building logo. Triple H's questionably enormous forehead declined comment.
* Destination X 2013 does the same number of Pay-Per-View buys as Destination X 2012, despite this years version not being available on Pay-Per-View.
* A curious poster on the "Reddit" message board draws a lot of attention when gambling money follows his lead in correctly predicting that Triple H and John Cena will always win.
* Kurt Angle announces he is going to rehab following his fourth DUI charge. Dixie Carter celebrates the news by sending him a champagne gift hamper.
August
* Ted DiBiase, leader of the "DiBiase Posse", quits WWE, stating he wishes to start his own web company. His new website, IloveDP.com, is a huge initial hit.
* Triple H turns heel on Daniel Bryan at Summerslam by saying at all his Ring Of Honor title defenses were only 4 out of 10.
* Cody Rhodes moustache was wished the best it its future endeavours after failing the WWE Wellness Policy.
* 11 year veteran and 10 time Champion Randy Orton is declared the future of the WWE on television.
* TNA fires Jesse Sorenson, who suffered a broken neck and temporary paralysis on their live PPV. Dixie Carter responds to accusations of being callous by confiscating his wheelchair and selling it on eBay to pay for a ride on the carousel at the Jefferson County Fair.
* Hulk Hogan is announced as being included in the WWE2K14 video game, where he plays the role of Dr. Robotnik.
* Brock Lesnar defeats CM Punk at Summerslam by eating him.
September
* TNA's massive financial losses continue, causing them to allow several contracts to lapse. "It's a shame this company can't realise they need to take care of the young guys", said Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, laughing atop a pyramid of cash.
* AJ Styles is told to replicate CM Punk's "shoot promo" on Impact. Georgia native Styles misinterprets, firing a .38 Calibre at Mike Tenay and Taz on live TV. Tragically, they survived.
* Jim Ross is finally fired for being unable to carry a cherry in his buttcheeks through an assault course at the WWE2K14 Symposium.
* Dixie Carter turns heel on the September 20th episode of Impact, confusing the fans, since they've been hating everything that's come out of her mouth for the past seven years anyway.
* Vince McMahon disappears from television to undergo emergency surgery to remove his chin from Triple H's scrotum.
October
* Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff leave TNA when Hulk Hogan's contract expires and Eric Bischoff is kicked out of power. Elsewhere, Vince Russo suffers a broken ankle running to the telephone by tripping over his Thomas The Tank Engine playset.
* Triple H cuts a controversial promo on Raw, claiming that Daniel Bryan isn't a star, and that former World Champions RVD and Chris Jericho, and Hall of Famer Edge, weren't really stars either. People begin to question if this Hunter fellow might be more about himself than others.
* John Cena returns from a torn tricep in two months with remarkably large arms, to win World Title number 14. The possibility that Cena may break Ric Flair's record creates rumblings that the return of the Antichrist might be upon us.
* Dusty Rhodes appears on Raw cutting a promo vowing to be Triple H's "huckleberry all night long". Unimpressed with his unscripted and far superior to anything her team can come up with performance, Stephanie assigns Dusty to be HHH's dingleberry instead.
November
* After months of build, trials and tribulations, Big Show loses his big Survivor Series match for the WWE Title by crying at the news that his hero, Nigella Lawson, did cocaine.
* Kane returns to television with a new corporate image after being asked to join the GM All-Star Bowling team with Mike Adamle, Teddy Long, John Lauranitis, and the Anonymous GM Laptop.
* TNA does farewell angles for AJ Styles, who they can no longer afford. Rumours that the company is up for sale begin the circulate, with Rupert Murdoch reportedly putting in a serious bid of "Fuck Off".
December
* At the TLC Pay-Per-View, Vince McMahon's ultimate fantasy occurs before fans eyes, as John Cena and Randy Orton Unify in the middle of the ring.
* TNA Impact makes history by being the first television show in history to somehow do a rating in the minus figures, and cleverly fails to lock up Universal Studios, shrewdly forcing them to lose countless thousands of dollars by continuing to tape on the road in 2014.
* Out of nowhere, it is announced that Dave Batista will be returning the WWE for the Royal Rumble, with some theorizing his goal is to re-enact 2005 by blowing the finish of the match, causing HHH to hit the ring on a whim and tear one of his shaky quads on the ring apron and get him off television.
* Having waiting years since his last mega failure in the real business world, Vince McMahon decided it was time to piss away millions of dollars on a new project, preparing for the announcement the following year of the WWE Network, though analysts grow concerned when the only announced programs were the WBF Pay-Per-View and XFL Season One on demand.
